Insomnia

बेवफा नींद 


मैं: 
ए बेवफा नींद तू आती  क्यों नहीं ?
आके मुजे उन अनजानी प्यारी गलियों की सेर कराती क्यों नहीं?


नींद: 
        अब तुही बता में केसे आऊं?
        तेरे ख्यालों में किसी और के होते हुए, तुजे केजे अपनाऊ ?


मेरे ख्याल अब मेरे नहीं रहे, में उनका हो गया हु.
इन खायालोन को खुदको सोम्प्के, सबसे दूर हो गया  हु. 


        दूरिया तो उनसे कि जायेगी जो पास आये हो. 
        उनसे दूर केसे हो पायेगा, जो तुझीमे समाये हो ? 


तो फिर इस बेवफाई कि वजह क्या हे?
जो बचपन से साथ निभाते  आयीं हे, उसके बेरुखी कि ये सजा क्या हे? 

        में बेवफा नहीं सिर्फ तुजसे खफा हु, 
        खुदको जो तू छुपा बेठा तू खुदसे , उसी दर्द से तनहा हु. 


        और मेरी इस बेरुखी को तू बेवफाई के नाम से बदनाम न कर. 
        ये मेरी बेरुखी तुजसे नहीं, ये मेरी उससे वफ़ा हे. 


तो क्या कहू में इस  बदचलनी को जो तुने दिखाई  
में तेरे लिए तरस रहा हु, लेकिन याद तुजे किसी और की आई


        किस बात से परेशां हे तू, किस बात से  नाराज़ हे. 
       बातों में कड़वाहट भरी बेठी हे तेरे, ये तेरा केसा अंदाज हे. 



एक तुही ही थी हमेशा, साथ ले जाने के लिए  
एक तुही थी उस जालिम तन्हाई से मुजे बचाने के लिए 

में नाराज हु तुजसे, हु में परेशां तेरे लिए 
बरसो का साथ छोड़ बेठी हे तू,  ना जाने किस अनजाने के  लिए
 बता कोण हे वोह, जो आया हे तुजे मुजसे ले जाने के लिए 


       ये पहेली और आखरी चीज तेरे लिए कर रही हु,
       ना चाहते हुए भी तेरे आगे आज उसकी तारीफ कर रही हु.  


       वोह राजा हे मेरे रातों का 
       वोह पक्क्का हे अपने इरादों का 


      वोह करने से अपनी मन की कभी चुकता नहीं 
      वोह किसी और के बोलने से झुकता नहीं


      वोह वो हे जो किसीसे डरता नहीं,
      दुनिया जो कहे और उसे कुछ फर्क पड़ता नहीं 



      हा हा हा हा हा हा हा 
      हसी मुजे आरही हे, देखके ये की केसा समय आया 
      तू बनके तो क्या आया था, और आज तुने खुदका क्या बनाया
      इतना क्या खो गया खयालो में के, खुदको ही ना पहेचान पाया . 


     चल उठ सुबह हो गई अभी, कुछ कम कर 
     फ़ोकट में कुछ ना मिलना यहाँ अब ना आराम कर 

     आज फिर दिन ढलने वाला हे, फिर वोही रत आएँगी 
      खुद को पेहेचानले उजाले में, रातको में खुदही चली आउंगी. 

The Psychotic

The worst dream is back
To be like u never wanted to be
The days of i am wrong and will not be able to get back

Destroying everything that i loved,
Distancing everyone that makes me beloved

Choosing wrong over the right, and not at all willing to fight
Seeing every thorn in the sand and yet not bothered to land

Seeing the worst of me every passing day,
And looking at the mirror, like there is nothing to say

Cos I have Walked to the land unknown to me, just for the fun of let me see
I had walked through the dark , to see the fun i could snatch
Now lost the way back, and learnt the fun I now miss, Was in the days right back.

Untilted (suggestions will be appriciated)

Somethings and sometimes are beyond explanation.

Haven't u sometimes felt a sudden upsate of mood without any proper explanation for d same. If ur answer is NO, तो कितना जूठ बोलते हो यार.  

I have faced this many times, finding myself unable to dissect it unsurprizingly. And then these leads to fear about myself, that what am I making of me?

Many times thought of taking it on and face it so dat it won't haunt me in future, But the only thing I had found in the past was immensly disturbing fact dat I don't know what to fight with. Is it d world or something  else. Nilu once said to me , 'Jab time kharab chal raha ho, khudka sath mat chodo' A grate line infact, and respectably difficult to fathom the depth of it. 

Isn't its a wonderful gift to be able to put your thoughts into words and that too in correct ones. Well I was not there that time also when GOD  was passing it on. Well I have been regular in bunking some classes in college(Thanks to that coin we used for toss and my जिगरी  pankaj wankhede,) some monthly OR review meetings (Thanks to Ramu bhai and AAKA), And office too(Thanks to my boss). Ohh My boss is a great gye, didnt I tell you?, Alright telling u now then." My Boss is a great gye, Na na The GREAT gye. He is the best Boss I have got till date, (Though its been just two of them yet, and many of you already know about the first one). I know you must be thinking, How can any Boss be the great gye. Sorry if I hurt your feelings. But you know If he will  read this anytime I might be in trouble. (I think this is proper explanation.)

Ohh God, what am  I writing. this was supposed to be a serious post on my unresolved and ever encroaching thoughts.

 OK, back to the theme.

How difficult it is to be even serious sometime? In everyones life there comes times when you need to be serious. Like जब Morning meeting में आपको बॉस बहोत चमका रहा हो , जो RMP आपकी responsibility  में हे  वो overflow हो रहा हो, जब आप RMP में हे  और बहोत बारिश आ रही हो, जब आपके प्लांट में बहोत प्रॉब्लम हो और बॉस आपसे पूछे की " अब क्या करेंगे पंकज"  जब आप किसी लड़की को propose करे और वोह आपको अपने boyfriend से  मिला रही हो, जब हिमेश रेशमिया गाना गा रहा हो और आपके पास टीवी का remote न हो

and the list is endless, Even at the times when just for the sake of friend you are tolerating someones complaints about his job and while reading my blogs  too. The moral of the story is that  " its difficult to be serious as it is difficult to be happy all the time.

Because sometimes and somethings are beyond explanation, And you just got an example.

I dont know how to end this post. Serioulsy I am not joking.

उद्या पुन्हा आरसा मला पाहणार आहे

उद्या पुन्हा आरसा मला पाहणार आहे

काही लिहितो आणि मग पुन्हा मिटवून देतो,

काही काही विचार करून स्वतःलाच रुसवून देतो.

स्वहासाठी लिहिणे किती सोपे होते पहिले,हे लक्षात येताच गाल फुगवून देतो.

फुगलेला स्वतःला पाहून परत हसून घेतो.

उद्या पासून असे नाही करणार, हा विचार नाही व्यसन झालाय

स्वतः बद्दल इतका होकार देवून, भरपूर दा फसवून झालाय.

फसवणूक झाल्यासारखी वाटते, कुठेतरी माझ्यात

बघतो स्वतःकडे आणि विचारतो आरास्यातला मी, कि मी आरास्यात

पण स्वतःबद्दल आणि कुणाला विचारू

आरास्यात नाही तर, स्वतःला कुठे पाहू

बहुतेक घासून घासून जुना झाला तो, नि  त्यालाही तडा जावून राहिला

पण मला सोडून तर दुसऱ्यांना तो बरोबर दाखवून राहिला.

बुचकळ्यात पडलो विचार करता, कि तडा पडलाय कोणाला आरश्याला कि मला

किती सही झाला असतं, कि पेशाने आरास्यासोबत मीही आलो असतो नवा

विचार करता मन पुन्हा गारद होते,

कि लहानपणी पहिले आल्यावर हेच मन किती सावध होते,

येत होते विचार कि काय काय होवू शकतो आपण मोठे होवून,

आणि या मोठ्या जगावर आपले लहानशे पाय उमटून.

पण मनात आजही या गोष्टी रुततात,

आणि फक्त बोलणारा नाही मी, याच गोष्टी कानावर पडतात.

आजही रात्र संपणार आहे, मन पुन्हा निवांत होणार आहे.

पाहू उद्या पुन्हा येणारा सूर्य उजेड  कि अंधार आणणार आहे,

कारण उद्या पुन्हा मी आरसा, नाहीतर  आरसा मला पाहणार आहे.

Happy Birth Day Rrahull

Happy Bday Ghode

घोद्या  तुझ्या वाददिवासाची मोठी झाली रे ख़ुशी,

वाटते अशे लहानपणीची कुल्फी होती जशी.

सांग घोड्या भेत वस्तू काय मी तुला देऊ,

पण थांब आधीच सांगतो २६ लता पहिलेच ठरवून घेऊ.

तुम्ही नाराज नको व्हा मित्रांनो , तुमच्या साठी पण कविता लिहील,

आणि जमला नाही तर घोड्या च्या जागी तुमचा नाव लिहून आलाच पाठवून देईल.

खुश बहोत राहो आज , एक हाच dialogue आम्ही आठवून घेऊ,

आनि याच्यानि खुश नसेल होत  तर सांग, आना  रे कोणी दंडा  याच्या मागून टाकून देऊ.

खूप झाली फालतू बडबड आता, चांगल  चांगल लिहितो,

आणि सिगारेट सोडून फक्त तुझ्या साठी, आता अगरबत्ती हाती घेतो,

सांग केवडा आवडतो कि मोगरा, नाही तर गुलाबवाली  लावून देतो.

आणि हेई नाही आवडत तर संग साल्या तुलाच पेटवून देतो.

शेवटच्या ओळी आहेत, थोडा विचार करून लिहितो,

इया उं आ, इया उवा इहितो.

अबे तू सांगितला नाही, वाढदिवसाला  काय पाहिजे आहे,

साल्या महागडा काही सांगू नको तंगी सुरु आहे.

चला बहोत झालो मी कवी आणि बहोत झालो मी लेखक

थकलो  यार आता इतका सगळा काही फेकत.

इक्का नाही,राजा नाही, गुलाम नाही तू, न तू दुक्की,
त्या बावन पत्त्यान मध्ये जागा नाही तुझी, गोष्ट आहे तितकीच पक्की.

समजून नाही राहिलं कि आता  काय लिहू.
बावन पत्त्यात नाही टाकलं तुला तर काय पदवी देऊ.

खराब मूड ला जोरदार मारायची ती ठोकर आहे तू,
आम्हाला कधी हसवणारा कधी रडवणारा तो जोकर आहे तू.

 कधी हसवतोस कधी रडव्तोस, कधी चांगल्या तर कधी फालतू  होष्टी घडव्तोस.

कधी शिव्या देतोस, कधी तारीफ, तर कधी हरवलेल्या पत्त्यांसाठी परत्तोस.

तू नसतास तर कोणी जोड्या लावून दिल्या असत्या ,

तू नसतास तर कोणत्या पत्त्यांची वाट पहिली असती,

तू नसतास तर साल्या रामी खेळण्यातही मजा आली नसती.

तर घोड्या , फक्त घोडा नाही रे तू, जोकर हि आहे.

कधी कधी आम्हाला समोर ढकलणारी ठोकर हि आहे.

वाददिवासाच्या हार्दिक शुभेच्छा .

The Angry Part of Me

            I am writing this at the time, when I shouldnt be doing anything, or talking to nobody(bahot gusse me hu). I should be in my room sleeping on my bed. Thinking how to dump all the thoughts that are popping up in my head (Yes, I do have one) and have blocked my thoughts path like a citabuldi trafic jam.  Just because of some thought who dont know that its  a one way trafic. u have to go from in to out and not the other way round. I am still confused what I want to write here in this post, hope I will come out with something good at the end.
            This is like one of those tym, When we were playing against Pakistan in 20 20 world cup final and for the last over Dhoni gave ball to jogindar. (What d hell was he thinking that tym.) I had this feeling that tym also, I was thiking jogindar should be the last person he should rely on.
Thank god that match ended on a good note. (I am talking for Indians)
But unfortunatly this thing isnt any match. And I am no Dhonsa, And I dont have anyone named joginder sharma.(Did you really get anything, any relevance in above lines. Just asking cos I didnt.)

             Ohh, blogging is helping. I am cooling down. (not because for office AC I mean) . Traffic is getting smoother. They are now calm, and settling down. Dosent it feel great to have a empty mind, (Even a Dumb mind) Not a thing like thinking of a single thouht. Does the thing called serenity must be feeling like that only. I dont know, just asking. 

          Ok, lets list out the thing I want to do when I feel completely, faltu, umimportent good for nothing felow type.

• Pahele to kisiko bahot dhone ki iccha hoti he. (Koi nai bat nahi sabko yahi lagta hoga) 
• I dont think about cigarates that time. (I directly start smoking them, Ya sometimes I smoke, just dont tell at my home.)
• Call some of my friends, and cut the line without talking about anything.
• Go for the jogging in colony.
• I dont think of icecream that time. (Its a girly thing, Aur vesebhi muze utni khas nahi lagti, Ha koi ladki sath ho to alag baat he.)
• That time sochta hu, kisi friend (i mean ladki friend) ko call karu, karta bhi hu lekin bor hoke rakh deta hu. (Inse aur kya ummeed ki ja sakti he)
• Sunny aur Ghode ko bahoot galiya deta hu, (Sale maj gaye dono)
• sochta hu, sucide kar lu. (Thik he thik, ab bhashan dene ki jarurat nahi he iske liye, Mera pap ka ghada abhi bharna baki he.)
• Phir ye sochke sone chala jata hu ki 'bina piye hi chad gai he.'

         Aur ha blogging ke bare me isliye nahi likha kyonki ye aaj paheli bar aise mood me kar raha hu, cos I am at office. 

        Have you felt this thing like when you are angry 90% of the things, no no 80%, no 70% nop absolutly no, Its only 50% of the things that you have done or said  will be resented afterwards. (May be thats becos agla wala baki kuch sunnane se paheli hi phone rakh dega)
It happens with me, so nind ke bad wala tym, relations sudharneke liye chala jata he, followed by sorry yar mud thik nahi tha kal, I didnt mean that.(Atleast bolna to padega na), You are not like that. Main bongar hu(Ye sabko pata chal gaya hoga ab tak) maf kar de pleae, and  etc.
Accha he jyada ladkiyon se dosti nahi he meri, otherwise I would have included chockolates and icecreames too. (Faltu kharcha), But if its for an oppology for something that I done wrong, Its Ok. No problem with that faltu kharcha.
        Ha, there is one more thing I do, when my mood is switch off and I want to on it ASAP. "How I met your mother, Tom and Jerry, Road runner show, 'Are Ganapat baja na' from Apna sapna Money Money, recently " My dayz with myself" and last but the most effective ' Meri umar ke naujawano from Karz movie"
The uniqueness of the song and the thing why I like that song and why its elevate my mood is the feeling  that ' I am better dancer than Rishi Kapoor" (Atleast I wont run on the stage, Thanks to Ganapati Bappa)
        So here is a good thing to let you know, I am no more in that Amitab's Angry young man frame of mind' (You must have guessed it from my panchats).
       
Ek accha joke yad aaya gusse wali bat se (Courtesy 'Fucat'),

Dad to his son: Beta when I beat you, how do you control your anger?
Son : I start cleaning toilet.
Dad: But how does it satisfy your anger.

Son: Actually I use your Tooth brush to do that.

he he he he he. (I wont be surprised if u say that , the last joke was the only best thing I wrote on this post)
Till then Tatas and Vedantas, (Bhagwan bachaye tumhe meri panchatose)

Personal Diary, I decide to make public: Sign Board

So its again  good morning, not because I have woke up earlier but because I was writing date on that diary and just came to know that its all multiple of 3, my lucky number. May be its good for me , whateverrrrr.

Last night again it was a night of full moon.The way I now look at moon and  its brightened orra ( may be it’s a word) it always remind me of the night Rahul called  and fortunately I picked his phone at 12night,( Which I barely answer especially when I am on leave and that too from a unknown no(He was calling from his sisters no. ), and when I was struggling to sleep. But I am very lucky to have such luck many  times. But last night only panditji told me that it may last till only 31^st Bday.(I started doubting that). But I really don’t know whether its true or not but lets think like  I still have 5- 6 years of good luck and fortune. (Though I don’t know difference between  these two.

Ok lets come to the subject,  my motive to write this post is to share a dream I saw on morning of 15.4.09 Its not that boring, at least for me.But as u are already reading this, that means u don’t have anything else to do .  But let me assure u that its interesting enough.

So it was just like any other night I came to pass. Just went to bed with lots of thoughts about many things and slept like every other night.

I was seating at devyog in hall, Yup thats my  favorite place to seat or sit whatever. I just remember shakuni and usha mami were moving here and there,  I should say roaming from one room to other for some work as usual. I don’t think there was anyone else other than 3 of us.  You might be thinking I remember  dreams each detail even after two years.(You know Its like a gift which I cant control) By the way thanks to my Personal Diary for that, which I write for some best and worst memories. I was sitting on bed . OK now that is something different usually we don’t keep bed by that wall. I mean just facing out main entrance door. (But its my dream.)

Then suddenly I saw her coming from front door. If you know about her you can easily guess. It was  Roshni. We talked for much time. Meanwhile Mavshi and mami had their eyes on us.(Mavshi aur Mami to sapne me bhi baaj nahi aati.)

              Now talking  about talk between us. She said She was just visiting her aunty who lives at Muniguda. So she just thought to see me. And came to lanjigarh at Devyog (My house in Nagpur).

Don’t be confused as its my deram and any thing can come in it. But who the hell told her my address. I forgot to ask her that . And It was a dream so I cant ask her now.

We talked  regarding many things, and I don’t remember specifically which thing we were talking about.

(This thing is also like a gift)

But I remember that while we were talking mavshi and mami used to come and see us from a corner of their eyes. I know them very well. I would have been surprised even in a dream if they hadn’t done that. Then it was very late for her . It was 10:30 pm. In fact she asked me to drop her by Neelesh’s bike. (How did  she know he has bike or even my friend is named Neelesh. (there is only one explanation for this, that it’s a dream.)  I said her NO. Its not safe now to ride to Muniguda.  Instead u stay at my house for night.

Just a minute something also happened before that,  While we were talking in between I told her, its 8.00pm and she should leave because after this she wont get any transport for muniguda. Now also I resent, Why I didn’t asked to drop by bike. May be mavshi was waiting for my that sentence and quickly spurt out ,            “ Pankya, If she is not willing to go, Why are u telling her to?”

The last thing then I remembered about the dream is 10:30pm and that I asked her to stay at home, And suddenly again the dialogue came fiercely,

" Are Pankya, Ghar pe hi rakh lena use, kal bhi kyon jayegi,"

Agar ye dialogue din me aaya hota, gusse mehi sahi, to pakka rakh leta.

And It alarmed then, May be alarm too was just waiting to say something by Mavshi.

And I woke up, genuinely hating that alarm, So I snoozed it, In a hope to continue dreaming, But couldnt got it going. So finally I woke up.  It was  6.05am (Yes sometimes I woke up that early) then I went to gym. While running I was just thinking. (I think walking and running are very good exercises because during these two my mind works I mean thought process works very efficiently. Many be that’s because my feets are moving. Ohh I see,  that’s why my friends used to say ke ‘sale teri ghutne me he.’ May be they are right as I got a clues now. "Please don’t bother about my English as its mine.")

Now coming to gym. I was running and off course thinking, and just had a thought about dream. Why after such a long time. When I  haven’t had a though about her for many months, Why do she come in my dream. Then suddenly I remembered that her birthday is in this month only.

 “ Oh my god, have I missed it. (Though I was not having any intentions to call her to wish even if I came to know about it)

The next thing came,

Whats the date today?

Abe bongar its 15^th aprill. Bloody hell! Its her Bday today.

You know sometimes don’t know who but someone , somethings guide u for something u wanted to do or should do. May be that someone or something is known as god. And yes he gives us the sign boards sometimes just to remind us that he is with us keeping his eye on us. Sometimess walking with us and sometimes lifting us. So just keep on eye on sign boards while driving. They may provide u with good example to enjoy the beauty of journey like some nice view of waterfalls, sunrise or sunset also.

Dedicated to all the NAKLI'S, Nearer to My So called Heart

There are things unsaid just like there are thoughts uncleared, There are emotions unexpressed including that anger unprovoked. Sometimes we do things on our instincts, and sometimes we even doubt that instincts. The whole thing is a big mess, Because there will be only one side of a coin revealed to us at a time, and though we we know about the other it will be always beautiful until we flip it upside.(Poem ki tarah lag raha he na)

The only good thing is we will always know what other side will be, But life ain’t a coin, It has many faces, and The only face we have seen is the one we are facing. Sometimes we are not given a choice to choose a side, and other times we are given a choice but we fail to recognise. And sometimes there are other times other than these 'sometimes and other-times'. (Ab ye pakka Poem lag raha he.)

I came across one of those times recently, it has been fourth time I was facing 'see off for One of the Nakli's at Lanjigarh', I dont know what it would have been like if I had said these things when they were leaving. I had tried my best to control emotions and take it as a part of life. But these bloody emotions are just like Pop ups always keep coming, I regret why there isn't any pop up blocker in my system. But this time I couldn't control those, and omit out. Its a beautiful thing that Many times In our mind past things come forth, giving us a unadulterated joy that yes ' I have done those things' but why the next thing comes that they are not with me anymore. I want to live in those days, in those memories, so beautiful, so jubilant, so humorous.

I am gonna miss that Mahabharat, I gona miss that Vodka, I gonna miss that Basketball, that search for the shoes, I gonna miss that being Ted thing,I gonna miss those Barney days, I gonna miss those sunehary kahaniya, those edited versions of the real events. I gona miss that chote, ganje. I gonna miss you all, too the extent that I wont be able to express anytime.

Love you all.